I've not made a post in a few weeks. I've found I tend to be terrible at maintaining blogs, journals, diaries, or otherwise, as I typically abandon them after one or two entries. However, this time, I want to try to put a little more effort into creating such entries regularly.
I've learned a new word today. I'm not sure if it's an accepted English word, as I had difficulty finding it in any accredited dictionaries and the top Google search result for it was Urban Dictionary... Nevertheless, I'm adding this particular noun to my vocabulary sheerly because of how apt it is to my present situation and how many individuals I know to whom it may also apply. The word of which I speak is "eccedentesiast," or in plain terms, "one who fakes a smile."
It's an interesting concept: Maintaining the illusion that one is happy in order to avoid causing others unnecessary concern. Humans are a naturally empathetic species. We often strive to understand and share in another's pain so as to attempt to comfort them, if not in action then in company alone. Often times, we cannot help it; it's the natural response to make efforts to console someone in distress. Many eccedentesiasts recognize this, at least unconsciously, and so they hide their own misery so as to avoid burdening others.
I've often caught myself engaging in the practice, even and especially after some substantial emotional turmoil, such as the death of a loved one. Since I've started frequenting public venues as the result of attending college, the first official school I've ever been to, I find myself wearing this mask still more than ever. I greet people with a smile and laugh at their jokes, regardless of how lame I may actually consider them. I bear no such pretenses at home, however. I'm infamous within my family for rarely smiling within photographs or in the company of others, regardless of how festive the occasion. Since I was thirteen years of age, my grandmother has been concerned that I was depressed. However, as mentioned in my last post, I myself didn't even recognize that until very recently.
I am getting better at maintaining the facade, though. This past Christmas holiday, not four days ago, my parents even managed to grab some photographs of me, with my two siblings, smiling. They've been under a lot of stress and pressure recently. How could I have, with a clear conscience, refused them a simple smile, at the least?